Grace
by alwaysx4
Summary: Maybe you are one of the lucky ones who manage it to settle down, find peace and balance without truly knowing who they are – but then again, maybe life is just about to kick you in the guts. MAINLY DEEKS & DENSI.
1. ONE

**Author's note: **Hello beautifuls. I've had this idea a long while back (about one and a half years ago) and I almost wrote the entire fic down into a little black book. Now I've been wanting to actually start this a long time ago and after a few changes of the concept I've finally started writing it.

Now it might get a bit too much writing this one and the other Densi fic I'm currently writing, which is why I don't believe I will be uploading daily or more than twice a week. Still, I hope you'll give me and this fic a shot - trust me, it's worth it.

Love, milly

* * *

**ONE**

_We are born and we are supposed to find our way through this cruel, twisted, vicious illusion called life. We are literally thrown into the deep, ice cold water without even knowing if we can swim. Some of us can. Other learn quickly. But what if you are the one who can't swim, the one who doesn't learn quickly? What if it takes way longer for you to find your way, yourself? _

_People will always tell you that you just have to give it time. That everything eventually happens. And that it happens the way it happens for a reason. But what if that is not enough? Well, maybe you are one of the lucky ones who manage it to settle down, find peace and balance without truly knowing who they are – but then again, maybe life is just about to kick you in the guts._

* * *

It was still dark outside when a sudden noise woke him up roughly. For a few minutes he just sat in his bed, listening to the dark quiet. He wasn't sure if he had been dreaming or if he had actually heard it but at that time it seemed like the noise never even existed. His breathing felt like a sharp blade cutting through the dreadful silence surrounding him. Slowly he got up, walked to the window next to his bed and pulled the curtains aside. He didn't know what he had expected to see but everything looked just like it had less than six hours ago when he had decided to go to sleep; dark and cold.

He was just about to go back to bed when he heard a rough hammering against his entrance door. Before walking out of his room and through the living room he took a quick look at his watch: 7 A.M. Who would knock at his door on a Sunday morning? If it was work they would have called him. Unconsciously he checked his phone – nine missed messages. With a racing heart he went through the caller IDs. Just two different people. One call at half past one in the morning – Kensi. Probably when she had arrived back home but he had fallen asleep so quickly and had slept like a baby that he probably hadn't heard the phone. The other eight calls had happened throughout the past five hours. All descending from the same number.

Again it knocked. He frowned at his phone, put it aside and quickly put on a shirt before walking to the door and opening it to a person he had never seen before in his entire life but who, at the same time, looked familiar and right.

"Are you Martin Deeks?" a young voice asked and he could see the delicate body tremble under the thick coat covering it. The cold wind had hit his face when he had opened the door and now again it was blowing into his home.

"Yes" he answered, about to add a question but his opposite didn't let him.

"I'm Katie" she rushed to say "Kathrine Scott, actually" she added and then sneaked a peek into his home. "You mind if we talk inside?"

He frowned but just couldn't say no. It was cold and he was starting to tremble as well. So instead he nodded cautiously, opened the door a bit in order to let his visitor in and, quickly, closed it again when both of them were inside.

* * *

"Thanks" Katie said taking the cup filled with hot coffee she was being offered. She looked as he sat down opposite from her at the table and she could see his mistrust.

"Sure" he replied still frowning at her and she felt like she was being interrogated. "You wanna tell me how you know me and how you know were I live?" Deeks asked after a long time of silence. His impatience was growing and so were his worries.

Who was she and why and how did she know who he was, were he lived?

"I'm sorry" the young girl started but nodded. "I know it's early and I know it's Sunday but I've been looking for you for almost two weeks now" Again she saw him frown at her and she knew she had to do way better than a simple Apology. If only she knew how to start explaining what she was about to explain.

"Why were you looking for me?" he asked impatiently, his right hand resting on his lap on which his phone was lying.

"That's...complicated" she started again and quickly added a "but please hear me out first" as she saw him opening his mouth to say something again. "Just hear me out"

"Alright – I'm listening" he nodded, taking a sip of his coffee and looking at her again, still trying to decide whether to believe what she was about to say, or not.

"Like I told you, my name is Kathrine Scott" she stopped as if she was hoping for him to recognize her name. "I was born and raised in L.A., just like you were"

He frowned at her, who was she really and how did she know where he had been raised – or even born?

"How do you-"

"Please, let me finish" she cut him off and smiled poorly. "I never got to meet my father, in fact I believe he was either a drug addict or had a huge alcohol problem and died several years ago. Either way, my mother never told me and I-" she had to silence herself in order to fight the tears which were now filling her ice blue eyes. She pushed aside a strand of her hazel-brown hair, that had escaped the low ponytail, and then took another sip of her coffee.

"Katie,..." he started but wasn't sure what to ask first. "What is it exactly you think I can help you with?"

"I'm nineteen years old" she stated but still he didn't know where she was going with her story. "Three weeks ago my mother died of cancer. However, before she left me she gave me something." her voice was trembling and the loss of a loved one seemed to be painted all over her face.

"I'm sorry" Deeks really was and he reached out to hold her hand. "But what do I have to do with all this?"

"Well" the young woman started again, softly releasing her hand from his grip. "My mother's name was Grace Jacobs, I-" the sudden change on his face made her freeze and stop talking. She had expected a bad reaction but she would have never thought it would be a rejection.

"I think you need to leave" he stated, got up and took both coffee cups into his hands. "I suggest you don't come back" his voice was cold as ice and got sharper with every word coming out of his mouth.

Instead of showing her out he poured the cup's contents away and remained silent until he heard the door close, after a cold wind had filled the room. After that it was silent. Nothing but his breath, the wind outside and Monty's sleeping rhythm.

It wasn't until he walked back to the table to grab his phone that he saw a snipped of paper with her name, number and the poor words '_call me when you feel like talking about this – it's important_' on it. He frowned, felt the anger climb up his throat, his hands clenched to fists. Then, finally, he took his eyes off the snipped, grabbed his phone and walked back into his bedroom, turning off the lights as he did so. After he was lying back in bed, covered not only by his blanket but also but anger and angst, he finally dialed the one number he knew better than his own. Kensi.

* * *

The rough sound of her vibrating phone woke her up. Without really opening her eyes she rolled over to one side of the bed and reached for her phone lying on the bedside table.

"Hello?" she asked with a sleepy voice and wished for the caller to just hang up and let her go back to sleep. It was Sunday and she had been planning on sleeping at least ten hours without any disturbance. But someone seemed to have a different plan for her.

"It's me..." the anxiety and worry in his voice made her sit up instantly. Something was wrong and she could hear that. "Can you come over?"

"I'll be right there" she answered quickly but also concerned, already half dressed and jumping in order to get into her skinny jeans. "You at home?" stupid question, but she didn't want him to hang up just yet.

"I am" the answer came after a few seconds and she could hear him sigh.

Quickly she pulled a shirt out of her closet, brushed her hair and her teeth, put on some boots, randomly grabbed a coat and then, finally, left her apartment.

"I'm in the car, Deeks" she started the engine, the phone pressed between her ear and her shoulder. "I'll hang up now, see you in a bit" she hesitated but then hung up in order to drive onto the street and to her partner's home.

Usually one would assume that no one's awake at eight o'clock in the morning, especially on a Sunday. But that's the thing about each morning – it's a whole different world. Half the city is already wide awake whilst others are still sleeping.

It was early December, the air was cold and the day not only young but still covered in darkness. The street lanterns were still burning and the few cars on the road didn't really seem to be in any rush. On a normal day it would have taken her about fifteen minutes to get to his apartment, today it took her something between eight and ten minutes.

She stopped the car in front of his apartment and turned off the engine. A quick look up to his windows taught her that he was waiting for her; he was standing there, staring down at her car. Something was way out of line. Even in times of crises he never waited for her this eagerly. She frowned, got out of the car and approached the one apartment she knew as good as her own. With the key in her hand she stopped by his door but she didn't need to put the key into the whole, the door was already opening and before her stood her partner – his forehead frowned, his eyes glassy, his hands clenched and his body shaking.

"Deeks" it was barely a whisper and she barely heard it herself but it didn't matter. "What?" she stepped into his apartment and the moment she closed the door behind her he fell right into her arms, fighting the tears and shaking like a lost child.

* * *

**Really hoped you liked this one - at least hope you'll give it a shot ;)**


	2. TWO

**Author's note: **So here you go, next chapter is up. I'm not sure what to say here so I'm just gonna leave you to this chapter - enjoy!

love, milly

* * *

**TWO**

_Well sometimes you can't change and you can't choose  
And sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose  
Now we've got holes in our hearts, yeah we've got holes in our lives  
Where we've got holes, we've got holes but we carry on _

_- 'Holes' Passenger_

* * *

"Thanks" he said taking the cup she was offering him and watched her sit down next to him on the couch. He was grateful to have her over for this and he had no problem showing her that with his entire face.

"What happened?" she asked after a moment of silence. She curled up on the couch, after placing her cup on the tiny table next to it, and then looked at her partner.

He knew she was worried and she had any right to be but at the same time he didn't want her to feel bad because of him.

"Well" he started, turning his body to her and looking into her eyes, making her smile unconsciously. "I had a visitor this morning" he put his cup aside as well and shook his head. "Just about an hour ago, actually"

"Who was it?" she asked curiously after realizing that he wasn't going to actually finish his sentence. She couldn't think of anyone who would make him feel the way he was feeling at that moment.

"Kathrine Scott" he whispered and looked at her as if the name would miraculously make sense to her.

"So,...?" Kensi started, not sure how to answer to that or what to say at all. "Who is she?" she asked, trying to suppress the jealousy – this wasn't the time or place for her to be jealous.

"That's the thing – I have no idea" he revealed to her, confusing her even more. "I have never met her before but she-" again he shook his head and then frowned, looking back into his partner's eyes. "She acted like she knew me. Or at least like she knew who I was. I mean she-"

"But you don't know her, so how does she know you?" Kensi cut him off, obviously confused. He was the detective, not that Kathrine girl.

"I have no idea" he replied honestly. "But whoever she is and wherever she got her information from, she knew who I am. Where I live. Hell knows, maybe she even knows where I work, where I shop, where I-" he pressed his lips together. How the hell did that girl know so much?

"But that's not really why you called me, is it?" Kensi assumed, knowing her partner better than anyone else, she knew something worse was going on.

"No" he sighed and took a sip of his coffee. "She knew my mother"

"Knew?!" it shot out of Kensi's mouth like a bullet. "What do you mean, 'knew'?" that had been the one question he had wanted to avoid but it was right for her to bring it up. He would need to face it either way.

"She said my mother died three weeks ago of cancer" he stated and again she knew it was not it.

"Deeks? What aren't you telling me?" she slid closer to him, taking his hand in hers and placing them on her lap. "Deeks, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

He nodded and then tenderly smiled at her before squeezing her hand and then frowning at her. "When she told me about how my mother died three weeks ago, she didn't talk about my mother. Kens, she was talking about her mother." he finally revealed and could see the confusion in his partner's face. "She talked to me about her mother, how she died and how she left something behind and then, when she told me her mother's name, I-" he shook his head and squeezed her hand even harder.

"I'm sorry I have to ask you this but...are you sure it's the same woman?" she asked cautiously and he shook his head – a sudden and rough movement.

"That's why I called you. I'm not sure whether to believe her or not. I mean- I don't know that girl. She was barely nineteen years old. Hell knows, she could just be playing with me."

"Deeks" Kensi suddenly interrupted him, her voice now softer and more consoling than before. "She was nineteen. She knew where you live, she talked about _her mother_. Not yours. She came to you on a Sunday. At seven o'clock in the morning." she gently shook her head. "I don't think she's playing you"

He nodded, his lips pressed together, his glance still fixed on his partner's face.

"I think we should look into her, to me it sounds like she could be-" a rough vibration next to her interrupted her. Her phone. "We'll look into it" she repeated to him before picking up her phone and looking at the caller ID; OPS.

"I guess we've got a case?" he softly smiled at her, a crooked but intimate smile. And she couldn't help herself but to smile back. Even in the darkest moments he found enough love to give her one of her favorite smiles.

Again, he squeezed her hand before letting go and getting up to put the cups into the sink and wait for her to finish reading the text Eric had sent her.

"They want us in OPS asap" Kensi told him, taking her coat and opening the door.

"I think I'll pass on this one, see you later?" Deeks cautiously asked and something in him hoped Kensi would stay.

"You good?" she asked, frowning and unsure whether to leave her partner alone in that state.

"I'm good" he said but something about his voice wasn't convincing enough. "'Kay" she whispered hesitantly, smiling at him and then leaving his apartment.

* * *

The doors to OPS slid open and as Eric and Nell saw Kensi step in, they turned to the big screen, already popping up pictures to brief them on their current case.

"Where's Deeks?" Sam asked and Kensi shook her head.

"He didn't feel good" she lied and no one asked further questions – she assumed they were purely being polite.

"Eric" Callen nodded at the young man, who nodded back and then looked at everyone before starting to talk.

"Luise McGreen" he stated and the woman's identity card popped up on the screen. "Her husband is a former marine. She had two sons, neither one was Mr. McGreen's. Both are in college and neither of them lives with their parents anymore"

"Mrs. McGreen was possibly killed last night. Her husband and Hetty go way back and-"

"Possibly?" Callen cut Nell off and frowned at her. "What do you mean by possibly?"

"Well-" Nell attempted to start but, again, she was interrupted.

"We believe that whoever killed Mrs. McGreen made it look like a suicide." Hetty's voice echoed from the door and the older woman stepped into the room. "Mr. Beal?" she asked and Eric nodded, turning back to the screen and letting new images appear on it.

"Her maiden name was Luise Berneaux. She was born and raised in Paris. Daughter of a military man and an English housewife. She went to college in New York, met her first husband" he started and then looked at Nell.

"John Rodgers. They had two children, Micheal and Grand Rodgers. Both twenty-two. Both go to Columbia and live on the east coast" she finished his sentence.

"So where do we come in?" Sam finally asked and Hetty nodded at his question.

"Nathaniel McGreen, the husband, is a good, old, friend of mine and he is certain that his wife did not commit suicide" Hetty replied cautiously.

"Hetty, no one ever believes a loved one did but-" Kensi started but silenced herself as Hetty's glance met hers.

"I owe this man a lot, Ms. Blye." she said strongly and Kensi nodded. "If he is certain that his wife did not commit suicide, then I owe it to him to at least look into it. This woman had a lot of enemies, all over the world" she finished and took her eyes off Kensi and, instead, looked at Callen. "Keep me posted, Mr. Callen"

"Will do" he assured her and watched her leave the room before turning to Kensi who interrupted him before he could even bring out a word.

"You don't need me for this one, G." it was more of a question than a statement and Callen nodded, watching her leave the room after Hetty. The case wasn't difficult and even though it did not seem like Kensi to just bail on an assignment he was sure she had good reasons.

"Personal?" Sam asked his partner and G. nodded.

"We'll see" he stated but he was sure it was personal. "The twins are in L.A. right now, lets go see what they believe"

* * *

She quickened her step as she saw Hetty sitting down at her desk.

"Hetty" she brought out and forced a smile onto her face.

"Ms. Blye" Hetty looked at her. "Please, take a seat" she offered but Kensi shook her had.

"You remember those days you always tell me to take off?" she started and saw her boss frown at her but she ignored that. "I think I might take you up on that, now" she finished and patiently waited for a reply. Hetty simply nodded slowly and smiled at Kensi.

"Ms. Blye?" she asked a little bit louder as Kensi had almost reached the bull pen. "Be careful, you might find yourselves in a difficult position" Hetty advised her but Kensi could only frown at that and the answer came hesitantly.

"Sure will" she replied, barely a whisper.

"Second one, today" Hetty murmured as she leaned back and watched Kensi pack her things and leave the building. "I dare hope this does not mean trouble"

* * *

**Hope you liked it - I might upload it tonight or tomorrow - depends on how big my motivation will be today, since I already am planning on uploading 'saecula saeculorum' and write on or two drabbles...yep I've got BIG plans for today :) **


	3. THREE

**Author's note: **I'm gonna try and take this fic to the next level - emotionally. To those of you who also read my other Densi-fic, you know how much I love to see the characters suffer (though that sounds rough) ;)

However, here you go - enjoy!

* * *

**THREE**

_'There is a great deal of pain in life and _

_perhaps the only pain that can be avoided _

_is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.'  
- R. D. Laing_

* * *

The drive from the office to his apartment felt like an eternity to her and the moment she reached her destination she almost jumped out of the car, scared that she might be late already.

It had hit her in the middle of the briefing – he was up to something and she hadn't noticed it. How hadn't she? He was her partner. She was supposed to notice, to care, to keep him safe. Instead she had left him alone with his thoughts and that had been one of the biggest mistakes she had ever committed.

"Deeks?!" she almost screamed his name rushing into his apartment but her voice simply echoed through the empty rooms. "Deeks!" again the only thing answering her was the echo of her own voice.

She walked into the apartment, closing the door behind her as she did so. Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe he had just left to go to the beach or for a run. Whilst holding on to those thoughts, and not giving worse ones any chance to invade her mind, she took her phone and dialed his number, hoping for him to pick up – but he didn't. Instead it went right to voice mail.

"_Hello there. Looks like I'm too busy to pick up right now. Leave me a message and I'll try to get back to you."_ his voice sounded through the phone in a cheesy tone.

"Damn it, Deeks" she uttered and hung up, looking through the apartment for any sign that he hadn't left for good. A note – or anything like it. And there it was. Right on top of the pink cat pillow on his couch. Slowly she approached it, gently taking the paper snipped into her hands and unfolding it.

_'Will be out of town for a while. Don't come looking for me.' _

"That's it?" she just stood there staring at the handwritten words. It wasn't until she turned it around that she found the words she had been looking for. A soft smile appeared on her lips as she read the words she had already heard once before.

_'Don't worry, Fern, I'll be back.'_

Still, it wasn't enough. She fold the note back together and hit it in her jacket pocket, before taking out her phone again and approaching the door.

"Hey" she said before the person on the other side of the line could even properly answer the phone. "It's me, Kensi." she stood in the door, looking at her partner's apartment and sighed. "Can we meet?" she asked, closed the door and walked back to her car.

"Hey, sure. Everything alright?" a male voice answered and asked.

"Yeah, yeah everything's fine." she lied and she knew he had noticed that she was lying.

"Where do you wanna meet?" he asked, ignoring the lie and patiently waiting for an answer.

"Remember the coffee shop Deeks took us to last week when you came visit?" she asked, biting her lips and starting the engine, ready to drive to the coffee shop. "You're still in LA, aren't you?" she then asked, worried he'd be back at home already.

"I am. Meet you there in twenty." he assured her and she smiled again.

"Thanks" she uttered and hung up, driving away from her partner's apartment and to the one and only man she thought could help her out.

* * *

She quickened her step as she saw him sitting at a table inside the coffee shop. She had waited almost half an hour in her car just to make sure that she would not be the one to be in first and the one having to wait while all the people were staring.

"There you are" he stood up as he saw her rush into the coffee shop and tried to smile but he knew something was off. "Hey, you alright?" he sat down as he watched her do the same and ordered another coffee for him and a first one for her.

"Talk to me" he uttered but she simply stared out the window, her one hand pressed against her mouth as to prevent the words from making their way out.

It wasn't until she had finished her coffee that she faced him properly and looked at him.

"What do you know about a girl named Katherine Scott?" she asked, her voice trembling, her eyes red and her hands slightly shaking. She looked down at the empty cup and waited for an answer.

"Scott?" he repeated her last name as if that would make him remember but it certainly did not. "No, why?" he asked curiously and it felt wrong that she had called him to talk to him about some random girl even she herself didn't seem to know. "She in trouble?"

"I don't know...maybe" she shook her head and ordered another coffee, before looking back at him. "She came by Deeks' apartment this morning. Claimed that her mother died three weeks ago of cancer"

"What does that have to do with Marty?" he asked, frowning at her but she simply pressed her lips together and shrugged.

"No idea" she leaned back, her hands resting on the edge of the table. "But..Deeks thinks his mother was the woman who died. This girl-" she shook her head and took a deep breath. "She told him her mother's name and that was when he kicked her out and called me."

"Grace is dead?" his hands went randomly through his hair and his eyes seemed to tear up. Then, suddenly, his face changed. His face turned ice cold, he leaned back and breathed out. "He sure it was her?"

"No" Kensi didn't hesitate to answer, obviously they had been close as well. "I asked him the same thing. He said that he wasn't sure and we agreed on finding it out but-" again she pressed her hand against her mouth and closed her eyes. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't just sit around and wait for him to come back – what if he didn't or what if he needed help?

"Kensi?" his voice sounded strong and forced her to continue.

"He's gone. This morning we were called in for a case and I left him at his apartment because he said he would sit this one out and now,- now he's gone" she wasn't sure how to feel or whether to feel anything at all. He had left without telling her, he had left a note but it wasn't enough. He hadn't thought it was necessary to tell her and that simple fact felt like he had stabbed her in the back. He trusted her, didn't he? So, why hadn't he told her what he was planning to do?

"What do you mean, gone?" the man opposite of her had understood what she had said but at the same time he hadn't.

"He left." Kensi took out the note and handed it over to him. "He left this note, but I just can't do as he says. He left without telling me because-" she didn't really know why but it couldn't be good. "We need to find him before he does anything stupid, please, you are the only one I can tell this and you're the only one who can help me right now" she took back the note and put it back into her pocket.

"No one else knows?" he asked, barely whispering. She shook her head and he nodded. "We can use your computer, right? I think I might know where he is, but maybe we can check first."

"Deeks isn't stupid. We won't be able to track him if he doesn't want us to." Kensi stated and he shook his head.

"I just need to track someone else, not Marty. Just to confirm whether the address I've got is still valid or not" she didn't quite follow but it didn't matter. At least he had a plan and that was a good start. "Don't worry, Wikipedia, we'll find him."

"Alright, lets go" she stood up and waited for him to follow her out the coffee shop and into the car. They would find him, no matter what.

* * *

It was almost dark again when he finally stopped the car on a dusty street, framed by average sized run down housings. The only lights burning were the street lanterns. The windows of the houses, however, were already drained with darkness. He had stopped in front of a smaller, grayish house with simple entrance door and only one floor. An old Camaro was parked to its left and to its right there were several, filled, trash cans.

He turned off the engine and took out the key. For a while he just sat there in the darkness and closed his eyes.

This was the place where he had been brought to light. The place he had grown up in and the place he had left at the age of 15 to go live with his aunt, who then managed it to pay law-school for him when his own mother couldn't. This was the place he had said his first word in, the place he had learned to walk, to smile, to laugh, to cry. This was the place were he had learned to play baseball and were he had fallen off the skateboard so many times. The place where his first tooth had fallen out and the place where he had had his first kiss, when his mother had been off with some stranger again. This was the place where he had gotten his first surfboard and the place where he had learned to fight. The place he had learned to hold a gun, to shoot.

His eyes opened again and revealed their glassy selves to the world. Quickly he brushed two single tears away and took a deep breath.

"Keep it together, Marty" he told himself, opening the door and getting out of the car. "You've got this"

He had driven less than forty minutes to this place. He always told everyone he had grown up in the middle of LA and everyone believed that he had lived near the beach and that was true but only after he turned 15 and moved to his aunt. Before that, he had had to drive by bus over an hour to be able to surf. He had grown up in the suburbs of LA and whilst that was no bad thing, the conditions in which he had grown up hadn't been good at all.

Slowly, he walked up the three steps to the entrance door and it wasn't until then that he saw all the piled up letters, bills and journals on the floor next to the door. For the first time since this nightmare had started, he actually felt his heart skip a beat. What if Katherine Scott had been right? Of course, he was here to find out if she had told him the truth. He realized that at least Kensi had been right; Katherine didn't gain anything from telling him her mother, his mother – whatever – was dead.

Again he took a deep breath and then, finally, knocked at the door of his old family house.

"Not the way I imagined coming back here" he whispered to himself before the door swung open and he was standing there, looking at an old woman with deep blue eyes.

"Marty" the old voice uttered, tears filling her eyes as she took him into her arms.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed this one, thought I could upload today - as promised :)**


	4. FOUR

**Author's note: **I know it's been two weeks since my last upload and for that I am sorry. I will not flood you with excuses, just know that time was limited and I barely got to do my school work. Also there where some personal things I had to deal with.

However, I will try to make it up to you and I will try to upload again about two times a week. Or at least one.

Love you guys and thanks for the patience and for always writing such nice reviews!

Milly

* * *

**FOUR**

"_That what is enssential to the heart_

_is invisible to the eye"_

_-The Little Prince_

* * *

He walked up and down like a caged-in tiger. Up and down, in the living room he had done his first step in.

"Tell me it's not true" he almost shouted, his eyes filled with tears which he was still managing to hold back. "Tell me!" he shouted at the small figure sitting on the couch, tears streaming down the old woman's face, hands shaking. Never had she seen him act this way.

"I can't" it was barely a whisper and she wasn't quite looking at him.

Up and down. Up and down. The clenched his hands to fists, hoping for his mind to not decide to hit something with his bare hands.

"How?" now his tone changed. It went from loud and angry to quiet and helpless. "Why?"

Up and down. His hands rushed through his hair several times and for the tenth time in the last half hour he declined the incoming call his phone was asking him to answer.

"WHY!?" he quickly spin around, facing the bare wall and, with a quick and rough movement, threw the phone against it. "Why?" he asked again and again, bursting out into tears, unable to stop them from running down his cheeks.

It took quite some time for him to stop the tears. For him to stop his body from shaking and for him to finally relax his muscles again. But after, what to him felt like eternity, he managed it to pull himself together. It wasn't until then that he noticed that the woman who had let him into the house was also crying in quiet silence.

"I'm sorry" he pressed his lips together, his hands rushing through his hair once again as he knelt down in front of her. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you like that, I'm sorry" soon her head was resting on his shoulder, his arms wrapped around her slim body.

His aunt didn't deserve for him to shout at her that way. It wasn't her fault nor anyone's else. And though he wasn't quite sure just yet, of how his mother had truly died, he would find it out and for him to find out he would have to actually talk to Katherine Scott.

He was just going to ask his aunt if she knew were to find her, when the door rang. Slowly, he got up and approached the door. Even slower, he opened it, not sure who to expect but as the door swung open the entire pain and hurt seemed to be gone.

"Deeks" her voice was barely a whisper and she fell into his arms, her own arms wrapped around his neck, as she saw his red, glassy eyes, the few tears still resting on his cheeks.

* * *

_two hours earlier_

* * *

As soon as they arrived at Kensi's apartment, she knew he had thought the plan through without telling her.

"You don't want them to find out about this, right?" he started and she frowned at him. After all, he had been a criminal once. Should she really trust him blindly, like Deeks did? She trusted Deeks, but was that enough?

"No, at least not until I know how he is and what is going on" Kensi revealed and he nodded, offering her his empty hand. She sighed, pressing her keys into his open palm and breathing out deeply.

"Stay put, I'll be right back" he said and before she could even answer, he was gone.

It was more than just weird for Kensi to know, that there was someone in her apartment without her in it as well. Still, it was better if she did as he said. She felt the irrationality take over her thoughts and the emotionality take over her judgments. She was in no position to plan their approach, hell all she could think about was him. His face, his feelings, his emotional state – him. It hadn't even been, what to her felt like three minutes, when Ray appeared back next to her car, jumping into the car and opening her laptop which he had placed on his lap.

"Go" he demanded quietly, accessing the computer without even asking for permission, or passwords. Deeks had told her that he was full of surprises but she would have never even imagined Ray as a nerd or someone with real computer know-how.

However, she tried to ignore the fact that he was able to read all her mails and go through her internet history. Instead she focused on driving – not really knowing where to.

"Where are we going?" she asked after almost half an hour of silence, in which the quiet humming of the engine and Ray's fingers on the keyboard, had been the only noises.

"Take the next possible way out of LA and onto the highway" he mumbled, not even looking up.

"What are you even looking for?" Kensi asked, not taking her eyes off the road but obviously curious as to what his temporary partner was up to.

"I'm trying to locate Grace" he started. "But her phone seems off...wait-" he started to hit the keyboard in a way that made Kensi feel even more uncomfortable.

"What?" she demanded, now more nervous than before. Grace's phone was off? That couldn't be good.

"About an hour ago Marty used his credit card for the last time" he said, silencing himself as he realized what for. "Damn it, Marty. You can't be that stupid" he said in a quiet but Kensi heard it any ways.

"He probably isn't thinking straight. What'd he do?" she asked, hoping for any possible lead on her missing partner.

"He rented a car under a false name" Ray commented and now Kensi turned her head to face him.

"How do you know it is him?" she asked, unsure whether to believe him or not.

"Because he rented it under the name 'Max Gentry'" he showed her the findings on the small screen and she nodded, turning back her head to face the road.

"So, where did he go?" she asked, assuming he wouldn't know.

"This is where it gets interesting, he stopped at several gas stations, paid with his card-"

"I thought you said the last time he used his credit card was to rent the car" Kensi interrupted him but got silenced herself as he cut her off.

"Never said that, Wikipedia" he grinned at her but she couldn't see it. "Take the next exit and stay on the right" he added before getting back to his findings. "That, however, was not the last time he used his credit card. He drove all the way through LA and back, as to mislead whoever would follow him"

"Then how the hell do you know where we are supposed to go to?" Kensi asked, completely confused. She had no idea what his plan was but if Deeks had tried to mislead them, then how would they know where to look for him?

"Well, last time he paid for gas was" he stopped for a moment and then motioned at a gas station right in front of them. "Here"

Quickly, Kensi pulled over, almost causing the car behind her to roll into her.

"Easy" Ray uttered, as Kensi drove into the gas station and stopped the car abruptly.

"What now?" Kensi asked, turning off the engine and turning to face Ray.

"Help me search" he uttered, left the car and started to walk towards different cars.

"Damn it" Kensi cursed, sighed deeply and got out of the car. "Search for WHAT?" Kensi asked, getting more and more upset over Ray not telling her his plan.

"Got it" he replied, walking to the back of the gas station.

Quickly Kensi quickened her step to meet him again in front of an unfamiliar, red car.

"What?!" Kensi asked, slowly getting sick of his games. Couldn't he just say what was on his mind without leaving out half of the sentence?

"That's the car he rented" Ray answered, not really impressed by how Kensi was acting.

"But he isn't here" Kensi murmured and then looked at Ray. "He changed cars" she realized and he nodded.

"Last time he used his credit card was to buy food and water. He must have stolen a car – didn't know he knew how to pick a car lock." Ray grinned and then nodded. "Lets go ask the guy inside if a car went missing today" Ray motioned to the little building and Kensi followed him inside.

How would they find Deeks if he had changed cars and wasn't using his credit card anymore? Clearly, he didn't want to be found.

Whilst Kensi waited at the door, looking at Ray approaching an older man behind the counter and asking him several kind of questions, she wondered why Deeks hadn't told her what he was up to. Why hadn't he just told her that he was going to look for that girl, or his mother, or whoever he was looking for? He knew she was there for him. Every step of the way. She had told him that a while back. After he had been tortured they had danced around each other for another two months. It had been another kind of dance than ever before. It was more intimate but at the same time she had felt him slide away every now and then. They had wanted to keep their relationship as normal as possible. Not that they had regretted the kiss, not a single millisecond. However, he had struggled with his PTSD for quite some time and even though she knew she had helped him master every single day up until now, she felt the need to be just that – friends. To support him and to not give him even more to worry about. And in their need to stay together but just friends, they had started to fall apart. Slowly, quietly and in full silence. They hadn't notice they had been breaking each others heart until someday Hetty had forced them to actually face that problem. The entire team had noticed that they had been sliding apart, every one but them. And it wasn't until that very moment that they had realized how little they had talked while speaking.

They had taken all their strength and had buried all their worries and had finally talked it out. He was still struggling with his PTSD and she was good with helping him, she was great with being by his side even if that meant for them to wait longer. They had talked about the kiss, hesitantly, both unsure and anxious about what the other one's feeling had exactly been at that moment. They had agreed that it had been meaningful and that it meant a lot more than they could actually put into words. That was why Kensi had told him she would wait. Wait for him to be good again, but she would not let him push her away for that. Quite frankly, they had been together ever since. They were a couple, just without being one.

She had told him she would be there for him no matter what. She had assured him she would go every single step with him and she had promised him from the depth of her heart, that she would stay by his side no matter what. So him not telling her what he was up to and disappearing without any kind of explanation was more painful and confusing than she had had imagined it to be. And a déjà-vu.


	5. Dear readers

Hello my lovelies,

I hate to do this to you, but I'm gonna have to put you on hold for another two to three weeks. I am really sorry, school is being really hard and in these three upcoming weeks I've got 9 exams which I need to do well in in order to finish my last year of school properly.

This does NOT mean I'm not gonna continue. I do realize that I've already put you on hold for quite some time and that I said I would do my best to continue, but I'm only human and I thought I could do this all together.

I hope you understand and stay put - it's nothing but a minor hiatus and I hope you forgive me for this and continue reading when I can get back to my two stories, which are in deed my babies and I am not planning on letting them go any time soon.

Again, I am really sorry and I hope you understand and forgive me for this

All my love, milly


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